Thursday, October 12, 2006

Pondering About Love and Goodbyes

My bestfriend just made me cry today. I don't like crying. It smudges my mascara, swells up my nose, and makes my eyes smaller than they already are that I can barely see the letters on my keyboard.

But this is not about me. Yet in some ways it is--as it is about everybody. And from a philosophical standpoint, I know it's no use discussing it. Who ever invented love needs to be put in jail for serious criminal offenses. But you cannot put God in jail, can you?

Do I really think that watching my missed episodes of Full House on youtube will give me the answer? She is expecting answers from me, but I could only cry with her. I think this is what parents were created for-- for you to ask them on things like this. They've been there, done that and screwed it up a hundred times. I am sure they do not want us to count our mistakes in the same way that they did. They were once just like us.


When I was in kindergarten, which was the year before I became a brat, there were times when I got pushed around by my classmates who were a year older than me. And when I tell my parents about this, they start to shout and threat me that they'd kill them. And now I bet they're just kidding,but to me back then, they were real threats. So most of the time, I'd keep mum about it, until I learned how to make my classmates cry. There are some things you learn about survival when you're little, but you either forget about it or you just grow up that you realize it's better to get hurt than to hurt people.

As you grow older your threshold for pain increases and you learn to shrug it off as though it doesn't hurt. But you'd get hurt a lot more as you wait for the people around you to grow up too. I've used the word hurt a lot but it doesn't even compare to the number of times we've felt it, right? It justifies the redundancy.

It's the disadvantage of being the bully first. You'll also be pushed around by people you first bullied around when you have had enough of being the bully. When I use the word bully here, I need not explain that I use it figuratively. In the end, what comes around, indeed goes around.

If Mama and Papa were alive today, they've probably been in jail already for killing or at least attempting to kill or threaten all of the people who hurt us. Losing someone you love can shake us to our very core, and yet it is embarrassing to talk about it.

My best friend’s parents are as loving and protective as any parent would be. She wouldn't open up to them for the exact same reason that I would tell Mama and Papa about everything except for my heartaches.

But what I'd like to tell her is that there are no right nor wrong decisions. I don't want her to think that I don't care for her, but that's just the truth. Specially in love. I've learned by far that you cannot play smart with it.

When I was in college, I got a 4.0 in Math 11, and I partly blamed my neighbors who were drinking that night. Not that they were so loud, but because I eavesdropped in their conversation that I wasn't able to concentrate on Algebra. I'd have to admit though that though I failed in my Math Finals because of them, they gave me something to think about which would eventually help me deal with my adult dilemmas later on.

One guy was having problems because his childhood sweetheart suddenly made an appearance and though he's still not yet "married" with his girlfriend, they now have kids. The oldest man in the group said that he should choose the one who seemed like the air to him. She who doesn't give him anything, and yet fills him with life.

For a long time I held on to this belief, but as I grow older, I realize that if you really get to know a person, this feeling which I thought was exclusive to one person, is not so.

You'll feel this to anyone you fall in love with during the first stages of love. And it fades through time. If people would think of love this way, there would always be pain, and our search would be endless. One relationship after another. For the truth is that true love is always a decision and never solely the wonderful feeling we thought it to be. Sadly, it fades, but if you still want to love the person and treasure him or her for the meaning he or she has brought into your life, then that I can say is what true love is.

Do you really think that your parents still feel romantic towards each other? But in some ways they love each other deeply, right? It is the disadvantage of being young. At our age, not many of our peers are ready for this kind of love no matter how mature we deem ourselves to be.

As I was in the MRT station on my way to the office earlier, I was the only woman in the coach crowded with men. And I tried to observe them. They seem neat, okay. Shirts tucked clean. Pants are ironed. Hair washed and combed. You would have to thank their mothers for teaching them this. At least they look clean. But in truth, I pity them in as much as I envy them.

I feel sad that they cannot love as deeply as women, no matter how much they claim to be. Women are naturally emotional and that's why it doesn't come as a surprise to us that we always find ourselves at a losing end when it comes to relationships. It is both a gift and a curse that we are created to be this beautiful, sensitive and fragile creature. Most precious things are fragile indeed.

Yet, I envy men sometimes. Most of them can be happy with just sex and alcohol. Though when I say this, I am not generalizing. I'd have to make an exception for someone I personally know. But this doesn't go to say that men are bad. I think they just know how to live more than we do. Sometimes I feel that it's unfair that we feel so much. In my next lifetime, I definitely do not want to be a woman again.

As for my best friend, she just have to let go. If someone doesn't love you anymore, you shouldn't keep him to yourself. It's gonna be hard for her. They've been together for more than 6 years. But women need to understand men as they are and not as we want them to be.

It's sad, but it's true. ****, I cannot help but cry for you.
Whether you decide to wait for him or let go, I know that you'd definitely cry a lot longer than I wish you would.

If I were Santa Claus, or someone powerful and magical, even if it means that I don't even get a chance to be with the one I love, I'll make sure that there will be no goodbyes.

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