Saturday, May 21, 2005

Falling Out-- A Dimming Heart

Sigh... I should be happy. I am not saying I am sad though. It's just that I have been thinking since last night. It scares me because I am falling out. I ripped out the back pages of my notebook where I have some letters for him and hid it in the back pocket of my calendar. I don't think I am making any sense out of my life by thinking of him and hoping that romance will bloom again between us.

Two nights ago, I dreamed of a river, it was running dry and the riverbed is showing some green patches. I was walking on the rocky bottom. The other night, it was the shore with lots of dead fish. There was one fish that's burried in the wet sand. It's dying and I prodded it with a stick to the sea, where it seemed to revive under a rock.

At one point, I know I believed that love is a mighty river. Once you get caught up in it's rush, you can only do so much. But the river has gone dry. He doesn't make me smile anymore. And I don't think of him as much as I used to. He probably doesn't love me anymore anyway, so I shouldn't worry. I have never felt so resolute. And never have I not cared until today. Guess, I still care a little, else I wouldn't be writing this.

The book of angels says that when two people fall in love, what they see from above are two bright lights that are glowing from within. And when it dies, the lights dim slowly. And we shouldn't try to cling on to it if it fades out. They say doubt and fear are two things that causes the lights to dim. Guess, I feared and doubted so much. But I can't undo the damage, much less pretend.

So much for now. I love you. But I just don't love you today. I hope I don't feel this way tomorrow.

1 comment:

badbadtz-carlo said...

let me share with you a simple yet very effective advice i got from a friend when i was melancholically brooding over lost love...

"yes, it ended; and i know how crappy it feels... nothing lasts forever. but the good thing about life is that nothing lasts forever! not even loneliness..."

hope you feel better soon...