EVERY BITCH'S EXCUSE--PMS!

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome or simply PMS. It's the best reason there is to act like the bitch that you are. It only happens once a month, so why not make the most out of it. Hiss at every asshole that comes your way, brat your way around people, be as grumpy as you can be! Every girl knows what I'm talking about. For you guys out there--you can't even start to imagine what we go through each month. You feel bloated--and yet you can't help but feel hungry hour after hour. You get pimples, you feel hot and yet your toes get cold. Or sometimes you feel like you're sweating and yet the room is chilled. And then you feel like you just went on a weekend hike, your lower back as well as every fiber of muscle around your waist feels like it's being torn apart. Either you're dizzy or super sleepy and you don't want to talk to anyone. And yet you don't want to be alone. You get sentimental and start to hate yourself. You want to scream but you don't want other people to see the way you're misbehaving. You get nostalgic about little things and feel like crying but you don't have enough excuse other than, well, of course--PMS.

DRIFTING

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 17:22:18 -0700 (PDT)

An air of gloom was all around me as I was seated on the porch facing Ayala at 6 am. I think of you. I think of what I am feeling, I think of what love is, I think of the book I am reading about positive thinking. I think of Corinthians 13. I think of what love is AGAIN. I think of what truth is. I think about myself and think of what is it that keeps me hanging--I think it could be just my ego.

It's amazing how much you could think in a moment as compared to the time you spend doing all the stupid things without thinking--and how much good it will do the world if only a person could just think for each moment before acting or deciding to hold on or to even just believe in things.

I guess you are really a part of my ego--and that's the reason why I couldn't let go. It's not good, and sometimes it makes me really sad.
I wish a wind would come to blow all these thoughts away... .

It makes me feel sad when I feel this way. I guess this is just PMS sentiment that's creeping through me. I am mean to myself, I couldn't let myself free.

But for the past days you are drifting away again, this time it's within me. You are drifting inside--I couldn't hold on. Guess I am just tired. I am giving up. I guess I need to listen to myself. It's time to go, maybe I will be back someday, but not yet in the coming days. Goodbye for now... :-(

ANTIDOTE

Some antidotes are hard to swallow. But they treat us of our malaise.

I drank four cans of beer-- straight. And I know I'd be drinking some more. While I was indulging myself in the most popular form of self-inflicted torture, I realized that I wanted to get right down to the bottom. It tastes bitter and I guess some alcoholics and part-time alcoholics (a.k.a "social drinker") like me could see the solid metaphorical link between life and alcohol. You want to drink it all up fast. Straight to the bottom. One after the other. Wishing time would play fast forward after each bottle. Over and done with the moment--or the thought that bugs you at the eternal moment.

But instead it plays backward...to those precious minutes that you'd like to forget. And you know you can't forget by drinking. I only wish to pass out, and retreat to my sanctuary...where everything swirls and all I think about is how to keep my eyes open. Where I couldn't even think of why I drank in the first place. To be amused at my staged folly--and hear myself laugh.

It's makes you feel more of yourself when you feel like your spirit has left you. It makes you feel alive when everything reels--from bad to worse-- to hugging the toilet seat as you barf out your sentiments. It makes you feel a little better about being sober before you lifted the tab of your first beer. It makes you feel...that's the most important.

It's my birthday. And that was just it. Some girl's birthday. This is the antidote that I'd have to take today.

(March 14, 2005. 11:45 pm)